


thoughtless

by justanafterthought



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Oneshot, slight angst, this was originally posted on my main, this was originally titled "Reckless"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 17:35:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9335351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanafterthought/pseuds/justanafterthought
Summary: Prompt from anonymous: Imagine the Winter Soldier getting a weird feeling every now and then, that something is wrong. He can't explain why he has it or where it comes from. It's only years later, when he's finally reunited with Steve, that he finally understands: he gets it every time Steve is doing something reckless again.





	

This feeling- shouldn't be happening. Anxiety boiling up in the pit of the Asset's stomach; like something was just wrong. His mission? He shouldn't question it; he wasn't permitted to talk to the handlers. _Keep your mouth shut. You're a soldier. Don't question, just do._ He'd finish his missions, but the looming sense of something not right would stick in the back of his mind.

For decades, nothing happened. No sense of anxiety. The Soldier was confident in his actions, finishing his missions in secret and effectively. No need to question anything, just do, just do, _just do_. He forgot mostly about the feeling in the pit of his stomach, no longer wondering where it came from, and so he tried to ignore it, as if it had never happened. After all, he had to finish his missions. He couldn't make the handlers disappointed.

And then, all of sudden, later in the year 2011, it happened again. The anxiety in his stomach. The sense that something was wrong. He found his hands sweaty and worry creasing his brow, but he'd have to figure out how to hide it, how to hide his questions. He wanted to know what it was coming from. Why it would stop and start decades later. Was it his programming? Was it not completely effective? He couldn't remember much of his life before the programming, only the pain and the cold, oh _god_ the cold. But the one thing that he seemed to remember was the way he felt. His abdomen clenching up nervously for no particular reason. He didn't get scared, he always knew what his missions were and how to complete them. He had no reason to feel anxious. And yet he did.

It was when he met the man on the bridge that pieces began to connect, bit by bit.

"Bucky?"

_Bucky_? "Who the hell is Bucky?" the Soldier would say before they became surrounded by SHIELD and he'd have to make a quick escape.

It was the man on the bridge that felt familiar. Pieces of his programming broke only the be fixed by the electricity that HYDRA had no problem running through him. His memories seeped away like water through a drain, and all that was left was the little glimpses that made him remember his mission. The mission of the man on the bridge. He'd catch glimpses of hair, bright blonde hair, the sparkle in blue eyes. He shoved the weakness aside, never wanting it to be used against him, because what kind of soldier would he be if simple blonde hair and blue eyes slowed him down?

"Your name...is James-Buchanan Barnes. And you're my friend."

"No I'm not!"

_Push the feeling down. Push it down. Ignore it. FINISH THE MISSION ASSET._

"You know me."

"No I don't."

"Then finish it-"

_Shut up, SHUT UP. Ignoreitignoreitignorefinishthemission._

"-because I'm with you 'till the end of the line."

Bucky landed punches, the ground collapsing underneath them as his mission fell from the helicarrier. He shouldn't feel like this, the anxiety, the sadness. It was his mission, and now it's complete, so why did everything feel - wrong?

And then it clicked. It was him, his mission causing this anxiety. His name, what was his name?

"Steve."

And Bucky jumped from the helicarrier, catching Steve in the water, and dragged him to the shore. When he finally knew he had to leave, he took the anxiety with him.

 

The Smithsonian told him who Steve was, what he had done, what had happened to him. It told the Asset who he used to be, and no matter how much he wanted to be that man, it was going to take a while. The wrongness continued to stay with him, appearing at random moments, as he walked down the street, as he said in a cafe, as he visited the Smithsonian.

And when he was ready, and when he knew Steve would be okay, he found his apartment, knocking on the door so he could wait for Steve. When he finally opened the door, the anxiety began to leave him.

"You reckless sonuvabitch," Bucky whispered, drawing his coat closer to himself. Steve leaned out the door before wrapping his arms around Bucky. The wrongness didn't leave, especially when Steve went on his own mission, but now Bucky knew what it came from. And now, Bucky could deal with it Now it wasn't a weakness anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Go over to my main:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/users/jecroisentoi
> 
> Thanks,  
> Dorian  
> (My writing style has gotten a bit better since this. This was originally written in 2014.)


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